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【TOP 50】Mitch Hedberg Quotes - WhatsApp Status | Page-1

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I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

Funny

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at... - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss! - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

American Comedian Funny

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide... - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...

Funny Quote of the Day

I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.

My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'

I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -

I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorry, We're Closed". You don't have to be sorry. It's 3am. And you're a dry cleaners. Its not like I was gonna come back at 10 and say "Hey man, I was here at 3 and you guys were closed... somebody owes me an apology."

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

American Comedian Funny Tennis

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero? - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

American Comedian Comedy Funny

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

American Comedian Funny

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable... - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...

If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said,

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

American Comedian Funny

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying... - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

Funny Quote of the Day

Pickles are cucumbers that sold out. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

American Comedian Funny Girlfriend

I tried walking into a Target , but I missed. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9? I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9? I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

American Comedian Funny

My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird-a** quiz, where he reveals the answer first. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird-a** quiz, where he reveals the answer first.

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?' - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?'

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

American Comedian Funny

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.

American Comedian Funny

I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit! - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

American Comedian Drugs Funny

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.

Acting And Actors

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "F**k it. Cut 'em up.

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "F**k it. Cut em up."

Why are there no during pictures. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Why are there no during pictures.

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

American Comedian Funny

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on fellas - Let me hold one of you.' - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on fellas - Let me hold one of you.'

I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say

I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat."

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